I had no idea that my heart was going to ache each time I was gently and not so gently asked not to bring Jason back to a pre-school or Sunday school or playgroup. I didn't know that I was going to be painfully aware of what we were all missing when he didn't reach developmental and cognitive milestones. It was beyond my imagination that I wouldn't find the services he would need to treat his Autism. I couldn't have fathomed that the costs involved for medical, biomedical, educational and therapies would be out of my grasp. I couldn't have known the feelings of failure in not being able to provide the best for him. There were no indicator's that when he entered the school system that I would have to fight for my son to be educated.
No one sat me down and said, "Get ready for the longest and most heart wrenching battle". No one told me to grieve. No one told me that they were sorry. No one and nothing prepared me.
I'm thankful that I was clueless and didn't have a melt down. I wouldn't have been able to function for him or my other children. I'm so thankful that I was just too busy to sit down and have a prolonged pity party. I'm most thankful that it has been one day at a time. Any inclination would have made me believe that it wasn't possible with all that I already had on my plate.
I heard a story once about a man who was rock climbing alone...he fell into a crevice and was stuck and injured badly...realizing quickly that no one would be able to find him to rescue him...he knew the only thing he could do was cut off his own arm. Then he had to walk out of there on foot. It took him days. Then when people asked him the questions..."How did you survive?", "How did you do that?", "What prepared you for this?"...he said that he didn't know he could until he had to.
Looking back...I didn't know that I could be "here" and be okay, let alone experience joy. I do know how I survived though...I know how we all survived...and thrived even!
God.
Through Love. Through Hope. Through Friends. Through Family. Through Faith. Through Acceptance. Through Repentance. Through Humbleness. Through Strength. Through Encouragement. Through Forgiveness. Through Patience. Through Perseverance. Through Endurance. Through Commitment.
I think of who I was before my relationship with God and even though at the time I thought was a relatively good person...I am so thankful for who God has grown me up to be and I so look forward to realizing where I will be and what I was able to survive and thrive and overcome with God's character refining me and stretching me.
I can't wait to find out what God believes about me...what He thinks I can do...that I don't know that I can! I can't wait for all of my children to realize how much more they are because He knew about us what we couldn't imagine for ourselves!
Whatever it takes...one day at a time...one person at a time...He will get us through. He was, is and always will tell us the truth. He proves it everyday! No matter the struggle's title..."Autism", "Cancer", "Divorce", "Abuse", "Addiction", "Job Loss"...we will be MORE than we are now because of Him and the experiences He allows into our lives.
And today...I will educate my son's teacher in that after 6 weeks of difficulties and struggles that Jason has persevered through in adjusting to a new, unyielding, overstimulating environment...when he is just now showing signs of remarkable improvement...with over 30 negative remarks on his behavior report...and now three good remarks in a row...we MUST stop for a moment to celebrate WILDLY...so as not to overlook the progress and quickly move on to what needs to be "worked" on next...because then we won't realize what we CAN do...that we once thought we couldn't! And neither will he.
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